Lando as daddy. | Photo: Lib-Tech

Miracle: Lando risen from dead!

Chas Smith

By

A new rumor floats through my ears which suggest Volcom didn't decapitate Mark "Lando" Landvik! Hallelujah!

What was your favorite part of The Fourth Phase? Mine was Travis Rice resurrecting from an avalanche. A man in the crowd screamed, “He’s a god!” And that man was right. Such cinema! Such heart-tugging up n down action! Such god-like core muscles!

My second favorite part, though, was any time Mark “Lando” Landvik was on screen. Not only does the Alaskan soar like a bird, his comedy timing is impeccable. Like, he should maybe get fired from snowboarding and be forced to Hollywood with a tear-stained Volcom rucksack over his shoulder. I have no doubt that he would soon be starring in better films than Adam Sandler + Jim Carrey combined.

And earlier today I thought he did get fired by Volcom. My wonderful inside source told me that his head was on the block and whoooosh! Down came the blade. And there by the grace of God went Lando’s head.

I cried some though also looked forward to the near future when Daddy’s Got Back! would open in theaters. (It’s a comedy concept I’ve been working on featuring Lando as an aspiring hip hop music video dancer and his stuffy wife, played by Jen Aniston, who just don’t get it).

But it has been rumored by another source I refer to as Deeper Throat that Lando may, in fact, still be on the team! A resurrection from the dead that beats Travis’s!

I hope this rumor is true because I love Lando but I also hope it isn’t true because I want to get to work on Daddy’s Got Back!

"You wanna be a hippity hop dancer? I just don't get it!"
“You wanna be a hippity hop dancer? I just don’t get it!”
Too Hard to fail!

Confirmed: Being serious sucks!

Hondo

By

The Too Hard Squad brings the pain/gain!

People who take themselves too serious are so annoying. And there’s lots of them in snowboarding. That’s why the Too Hard chicks are so refreshing. They definitely don’t take themselves too serious, and this 6 minute edit they just put out of themselves eating shit is proof.

It’s creative, it’s refreshing, it’s a little funny, and it’s really awesome.

While everyone in snowboarding is being serious and nostalgic, these chicks are doing it for the kids!

Too Hard: #nochill from danyale patterson on Vimeo.

French overlord Francois-Henri Pinault and his Stone.

Middle-aged for the Establishment!

Chas Smith

By

Volcom guts its team and turns fully into what it once despised.

Every movement has an end, I suppose. It is just a true bummer that our Volcom, our Youth Against Establishment, has turned fully and completely into Middle-aged for the Establishment. Not fun uncle middle-aged either. Depressed, penny-pinching, balding-due-stress middle-aged.

Shit and grouchy and smug middle-aged.

It has been whispered/rumored through the channels that the brand cut or released the bulk of its snow team, quietly dispensing of Mark Landvik, Dan Brisse, Gabe Ferguson, Christy Prior, Chandler Hunt and Brock Crouch over the past few months on top of key figures who have been with the Stone since the earliest days.

A brutal and heartless gutting.

And Volcom today represents the very worst of what has happened to snow and surf over the past decade. The dream was sold. Great for those who cashed out on IPOs etc but not for the labels left behind to groan under the weight of unachievable growth.

One by one the brands that have gone public or been bought by holding companies have faltered and Volcom has fallen all the way down, pissing its chinos on the floor. If you recall it went public in 2005 and raised $89 million. Six years later the French luxury group Kering tendered a friendly takeover bid essentially purchasing the Stone for $600 million.

It has since turned into a wheezing old bastard. A goofy invalid forced to do strange dances for its French overlords who neither know or care about anything but profit. “Why pay kids to slide on snow?” they ask and nobody has a good answer because there is no good answer. It was a miracle that anyone ever got paid in the first place but that’s what made it fun right? Snow, surf and skate are nonsensical! They are weird little kicks practiced by kids who aren’t team oriented enough to play real sports!

They are the fucking derelict dream!

And the riders always represented this better than anyone else. Cutting their heads off to save some money here might make fiscal sense on paper but it counters the essence of the dream. And giving up on the dream equals middle-aged cubicle bullshit. It equals the Establishment.

The main snowboarding media (Transworld, Snowboarder, etc.) are left keep the illusion that things are all good because they are trying to hang on to the last strings of financial solvency so leave the decapitations of Lando, Brisse, Gabe Ferguson, Christy Prior, Chandler Hunt and Brock Crouch hushed.

But things are not good.

Volcom is now officially what it was once against. It is true to nothing but greed. Fuck it. Not the 1991 version but today’s ugly French shell.

Fuck it good and all the way to hell.

Disgusting surfers in their natural environment.

Bastards: Surfers are the worst!

Hondo

By

Snowboarding and snowboarders are better in every single way!

People talk shit on snowboarding. It’s an unfortunate truth, but it is the truth. But why? Sure we wear silly outfits when we snowboard but, like, it’s to keep us warm and dry (for the most part, some though are just bad and deserved to get made fun of…) and sure we are attached to the board, but you know what, who cares? It’s the best.

One thing though is that if you work in snowboarding, you probably live in SoCal. And if you live in SoCal, you probably have to deal with surfers. Now snowboarding might get made fun of, but holy shit are surfers the worst.

And here’s why:

Surfers are a bunch of Christopher Columbuses!

The bastards think they’re the shit because they’re the “original” board sport*… Well you know what bleach blond bro from San Clemente?

You didn’t invent shit! You’re just a cultural appropriator!

We as snowboarders know that we didn’t invent shit. We’re just doing our thing and love it. And if you’re down you’re down.

*If you’re Hawaiian you get a pass on this one…

Surfers just wear neoprene or shorts. Running around the beach with your bros in a skin-tight suit!

Sick lol. Sure we may not wear the coolest outfits when we are snowboarding but at least we can wear it to the store to buy some beers when we are done.

Surfers are fucking assholes!

Have you ever met a group of surfers? Well, prepared to get vibed out harder than you have ever been vibed in your life. Since we, as snowboarders, have been getting ragged on for years we are a pretty nice bunch. Granted, if you’re a kook you will get vibed out. But, like, it’s easy, just don’t be a kook.

They think they can do whatever they want cause they’re surfers!

“Oooooooo I surf and know a lot about surfing so let me start a snowboard site cause if I know about surfing I must know about snowboarding oooooooooooooo…”

They’re all so tan and buff and get chicks!

Ok I guess that part is pretty cool, but seriously fuck them.

Fuck them all.

Surfer seen enjoying the snow.
Surfer seen enjoying the snow.
Travis Rice seen shredding Jackson on his trusty Widow Maker. | Photo: Red Bull

Revealed: Jackson before Travis Rice!

Chas Smith

By

Travis Rice is a certainly a tall tale but did you know he did not invent Jackson Hole?

Did you know that Jackson Hole Mountain, the world’s most loved cowboy snow resort, existed before the very famous Travis Rice was even born? It’s true, though maybe difficult to believe seeing that Travis once used a rattlesnake named Shake as a lasso and another snake as a little whip. His snowboard, Widow-Maker (also called Lib-Tech), was so named because no other man could ride it and live. Dynamite is said to be his favorite food. It is also said Travis sometimes rides a cougar instead of a snowboard.

On one of his adventures, Travis managed to lasso an avalanche. It is also said that he once wrestled the Bear Lake Monster for several days until he finally defeated it and discovered the Bear Lake Monster’s real name was Mark Landvik.

Travis has done a lot but he did not invent the Grand Tetons.

Come watch this sepia footage from the olden days (1997). It is called Foreshadow, which is an apt title and by the wonderful Willie McMillon!

Yeeehaw!

FORESHADOW from willie mcmillon on Vimeo.