How to: Move to Canada STD free!

Muzzey

By

Donald Trump is America's president! Would you like to swap for Justin Trudeau instead? Follow these easy steps!

If you’re sticking to your plan of post-Trump emigration, brothers and sisters, you better pack up and bug out while you still can. Make haste to the Great White North. To Canada. Oh, Canada! Where the mountains are big and beautiful and not racist or hateful or lizard-brained …

But don’t go blind. You need to know where to go. So we’re telling you. And while many of our friendly and very decent neighbors to the north will not appreciate these recommendations, all we can say is Soary, but these are desperate times.

Here are a few dreamy spots to escape your new American Nightmare!

Banff: If you really love the mountains and can somehow avoid infection in Canada’s STD capital, this gem in the Alberta Rockies has lots to offer. Consistent snowpack, 3 resorts, endless backcountry, hot springs, and that notoriously nasty nightlife.

revy

Revelstoke: Canadians from the east blew out Whistler long ago. So unless you like crowds, go to Revy. Located in southeastern B.C. it’s got a resort with the biggest vertical drop in North America and is squeezed between the legendary Kootenay & Monashee ranges. Powder country.

red

Quebec City: For the more urban-oriented expat, the classy, European vibe of this city, coupled with its long cold winters and endless supply of street spots makes Quebec a very inviting terminus for snowboarders in exile. Before you go, study the Bandwagon videos and study French.

There are lots of other places we could recommend but for now, this is it. Okay? Altight, bye. Have a nice trip. See you in 2020 if we make it that long.

A stoner (left) and The Stoner (right).

Buy: Your very own stoner resort!

Chas Smith

By

The Stoner Ranch is literally for sale!

Do you gots a cool $13 mil in your mattress right now? Are you confused as to what to do with it? Gold just got so expensive! And stocks are topsy-turvy. Real-estate? America’s new President is way into real-estate and probably gonna cut taxes etc. on property.

Real estate!

And have I got a deal for you! There is a mountain in Colorado called The Stoner Ranch and it for sale!

For only 13 million clams!

Let’s read about it!

The San Juan Mountains in southwest Colorado are home to some of the most stunning mountain landscapes in the world and the Stoner Ranch is smack dab in middle of it.

This ranch is every outdoorsmen’s dream and for a measly $13.9 million, it could all be yours. Among other amenities, The Stoner Ranch used to be home to Stoner Ski Area (1951-1985) and the remaining trails create perfect ski touring possibilities right out your back door. In total, three main descents with countless variations offer 1,260′ descents into the Dolores River Valley.

In addition to the ski area, the property boasts 1.7 miles of riverfront access to the free flowing, upper Dolores River. The fly fishing is some of the best in Colorado and being bordered on three sides by national forest, the possibilities for outdoor adventure are virtually endless.

Yeah. Endless. This is Colorado, right, where along with Washington, Oregon and California, weed is legal.

Each run down the hill could be fronted by gorgeous greenhouses curing the world’s finest marijuana, which is sold in the well-appointed lodge below. There could be pit stops along the way. Neat little igloos for chill hot box action. Etc.

But let’s get serious. I think you could easily turn a large profit simply marketing the name The Stoner Ranch.

Wanna go in with me? All you have to do is front $13,000,000.00 and leave the rest to me.

Hip: Radgnar new vocabulary!

Clegg

By

Wanna sound like a boss this season? Well do ya punk?

Sometimes when I’m on da slopes and do something sick I forget what I’m supposed to say. “Sick” is played, fool. So is rad, cool, nice, sick, awesome and sick. Thanks for everyone the television channel Bravo is filling us in on new words to say this season. Bravo is famous for The Real Housewives n shit. So they know what cool vocab to use. I mean sick.

1. Lifties: People who operate ski lifts are lifties. There’s no telling what will happen if you say, “thank you, Mr. Liftie” when you get off, though, so that’s at your own risk.

2. Pow: Fresh powder is “pow,” and you want pow. If you want to poke fun at your elementary skills, you can faux brag about how you’re about to shred some pow.

3. Corduroy: A fashionable way to talk about freshly groomed snow that has the appearance of the thin lines on corduroy pants is to call it corduroy. Be an innovator and call it cords!

4. Gnar: Old-school slang for riding the terrain is to shred the gnar (short for gnarly).

5. Radgnar: A newer variation on gnar is “radgnar,” a contraction of gnarly and radical that oughta earn you a wink from an instructor. Plus it’s fun to say.

6. Shotski: Several shotglasses are fixed to a ski so that multiple people can enjoy a communal shot of their favorite libation. Andy Cohen has made the “shotski” famous and fashionable in any season on Watch What Happens Live. Perhaps you’ve seen it during its weekly appearances?

Gender too.

21st century prob: Gender-Neutral snow!

Chas Smith

By

And Burton's store downsizing bash!

Well hell. Hell hell hell, I tells ya! North America is getting the shaft right now. Very little snow even though Mammoth is popping off and Colorado is open and the northeast… I don’t know what’s happening there besides BURTON DOWNSIZING PARTY TONIGHT!

You gonna be there?

You gonna be rubbing shoulders real tight with everyone in the new, smaller space?

LodgeGrit gonna be! In da house!

And maybe it’s a good thing it’s not snowing on the east coast right now (the kind of snow that falls from the sky) because it’s making all kind trouble in Stockholm, Sweden! More snow has fallen over the last few days than in the last 111 years (or something). The city is locked and angry folk are blaming the city’s gender-neutral snow clearing policy. Let’s read about it!

“Gender equal snow-cleaning is not to blame here,” Daniel Helldén, the city’s Green Party transport head told the Expressen newspaper, stressing that the policy, which prioritises cleaning pavements and cycle lanes over roads, did not even appear to have even been followed.

“There is a lack of gender equal snow-clearing now, according to the reports I’m getting,” he said. “It’s still difficult to walk on the pavements — and it is important that snow-clearing prioritises walkways, public transport and cycle paths.”

Stockholm’s municipal government, a coalition of the Social Democrats and the Green Party, brought in gender equal snow cleaning last year, pledging to make moving around the city on icy winter days just as safe for women as it is for men.

Men are statistically more likely to be drivers, while women are more likely to use pavements, cycle paths, and public transport.

But on Thursday and Friday, the policy came under renewed criticism after the city was thrown into chaos by the unusually heavy snow dump, with buses and trains cancelled, and major motorways blocked.

The policy’s apparent failure was celebrated with glee by anti-feminists on Twitter, with even the liberal Dagens Nyheter newspaper running a light-hearted article, titled “Nine alternatives to gender-equal snow-cleaning”.

“It’s obvious that it hasn’t worked, and the question is why,” Helldén admitted. “Is it the weather or the procedures which we in the city have put in place?”

Downsizing party! At Burton! NYC! Tonight!

Sorry: Mammoth has been PUMPING!

Chas Smith

By

Wonder why there hasn't been new gear on your least favorite snowboarding website?

Had a slow couple days at LodgeGrit and sorry not sorry because Mammoth Mountain is OPEN and PUMPING!

Where are you my dawgs? Are you here?

Gettin jibby wit it?

Loosening your thighs?

Remembering what it means to snow?

Blow?

We out here sporting Trumpstaches and you should be too!